Why Do We Struggle in Relationships?

Understanding ACE, Attachment, and the Parts That Protect Us

The child within us that yearns for love, and connection.

Many of us quietly ask ourselves questions like:

• Why do relationships feel so hard for me?

• Why do I want closeness, then suddenly pull away?

• Why do breakups affect me so deeply, even years later?

• Why do my relationships not work out?

These are some of the most common questions people search for when looking for therapy especially around relationships, attachment, and emotional safety. Often, the answer isn’t that something is “wrong” with us, it’s that something happened, and our nervous system learned how to adapt.

What Is ACE — and Why It Still Matters in Adulthood

ACE stands for Adverse Childhood Experiences. It refers to stressful or traumatic experiences that happened before the age of 18 and shaped how our body, mind, and emotions learned to survive.

ACE can include experiences such as:

• Emotional, physical, or sexual abuse

• Emotional or physical neglect

• Growing up with a parent who struggled with addiction, mental illness, or chronic conflict

• Domestic violence in the home

• Losing or being separated from a caregiver

Not everyone with ACE identifies their childhood as “traumatic.”But the body remembers what it learned about safety, closeness, and trust.

How Do We Identify the Severity of ACE?

There is a free ACE questionnaire available online that many clinicians use as a self-reflection tool, not a diagnosis.

You can search for:“ACE questionnaire CDC free” or “Adverse Childhood Experiences quiz”

Our ACE score doesn’t define us, it simply helps us understand why certain patterns may feel automatic.

From Childhood Survival to Adult Coping

Here’s something many of us were never told: The coping strategies we use as adults once helped us survive. Children adapt intelligently.But those adaptations don’t automatically switch off when we grow up.

As adults, ACE may show up as:

• People-pleasing or fawning

• Fear of abandonment

• Anxiety in relationships

• Emotional shutdown or avoidance

• Difficulty trusting closeness

• Hyper-independence

• Using alcohol, work, sex, or busyness to regulate emotions

These are not character flaws.They are protective responses.

When ACE Meets Attachment

This is where attachment theory becomes deeply relevant.

Attachment describes how we learned to relate to others especially under stress.

Secure attachment

• We feel safe with closeness

• Conflict feels manageable

• Needs can be expressed without fear

Anxious attachment

• We fear abandonment

• We seek reassurance

• We feel anxious when connection feels uncertain

Avoidant attachment

• We value independence strongly

• We feel overwhelmed by closeness

• We pull away when emotions intensify

Anxious–avoidant attachment

(also called fearful-avoidant or disorganised attachment)

• We deeply crave connection

• We fear it just as deeply

• We pull people in… then push them away

This pattern often sounds like:“I want you close - but not too close.”

When Safety Feels Unsafe

Here’s a reframe many of us find relieving:

If we grew up with insecure attachment, healthy relationships can feel unfamiliar and unfamiliar can feel unsafe.

For those of us who learned love through unpredictability, intensity, or loss, calm and consistent connection may feel suspicious, boring, or even threatening.

Safety takes time to register.

Not All Patterns Come from Childhood

It’s also important to say this clearly: Not all attachment patterns come from childhood.

Some of ours were shaped later in early adulthood. A deeply painful breakup can overwhelm the nervous system so completely that we make unconscious vows such as:

• Don’t let anyone get close enough to hurt you again.

• Closeness equals danger.

Even when someone shows up securely and consistently, our body may still react as if emotional intimacy is unsafe because the pain we once experienced was too much to bear. So.... we adapt.

Drinking.Partying.Promiscuity.

Ways of having connection without vulnerability. Sexual intimacy without emotional exposure.

These were not reckless choices, they were protective ones.

The Parts of Us That Protect

When we look closely, we often find:

• The anxious part is trying to preserve connection

• The avoidant part is trying to prevent pain

• The protective part is loyal, not broken

In therapy, we don’t shame or force these parts to disappear.

We listen.We validate.We help them learn that the present is different from the past.

Healing Isn’t About Forcing Secure Attachment

We don’t heal by trying to “be secure.”

Healing happens when:

• Our nervous system experiences safety slowly

• Relationships offer consistency, not intensity

• There is repair after rupture

• Our protective parts no longer have to work so hard

Attachment can shift. Patterns can soften. Safety can become familiar.

And this happens in relationship, not through self-criticism.

If This Resonates

If we find ourselves asking:

• Why do I struggle in relationships?

• Why do breakups hit me so hard?

• Why do I want closeness but push it away?

• Why do I keep repeating the same relationship patterns?

There is nothing wrong with us.

There is a story worth understanding and support can help us rewrite it gently.